The No-Drama Mama

Sally, 7, ran crashing through the house chasing her younger brother, 5. As she ran, she knocked down the lamp in the hallway, and dragged a jagged stick along the freshly painted wall. Her mother, Catherine, readied herself for the fight, half expecting her son to scream out in pain, or in retaliation.

It was another day in their boisterous household, with two kids, aged 7 and 5. Sally had long-standing impulse control issues, going from 0-100 in almost no time at all. Forgiveness was not Sally’s strong suit.

Normally, Sally’s behaviour would result in her mother admonishing her, threatening a time out, and sending her to her room. But things were not getting better. Her nerves were frayed, and her patience had long since gone. She confessed to “not liking my daughter very much”.

Catherine decided to try something new.

Instead of yelling out at Sally to stop her behaviour, Catherine was instructed to go behind her out of control child, and echo the way she was feeling – accurately, empathetically, and with as much energy as Sally herself was exhibiting. As Sally was about to hit her brother for taking an eraser, Catherine got behind her and said loudly and emphatically, “Oh my gosh, Sally. You are angry!

I would be sooo angry too if someone took something of mine without asking. Hmmphh!”

As the words came out of Catherine’s mouth, they felt stilted and weird, and Catherine was soon reconsidering the sanity of the advice. But the reaction she got was something else.

Sally looked at her like she had grown a second head, wondering what had happened to her mother, and who this person in front of her was. But instead of amping up her anger, and yelling louder, as she often did when Catherine intervened, Sally instantly calmed down.She stopped chasing her brother, and stood expectantly next to her mother.

Catherine took the opportunity to speak calmly and slowly. Again she repeated how frustrating it was for Sally to have her brother take her eraser, and how angry she herself would feel in this situation. While she had Sally’s attention, she asked “I wonder how we can solve this problem.”

Now feeling heard and calm, Sally was able to engage with her mother in a discussion of what alternatives she had when her brother took something without asking.

Instead of playing referee, and stopping the fights, Catherine felt that arguments and fights were an opportunity to teach a reactive child how to notice their emotion, accept the discomfort, and find a sensible solution. But this is not possible when the child in questions feels they have to act up in order for you to understand just how bad they are feeling. The mirroring of the intensity of the child’s emotion frees them from having to “prove” to you how angry and upset they were, or how unjust the other child’s actions are. Also, mirroring their anger doesn’t necessarily mean “villianizing” the other child, or justifying their actions:

“I would be so angry too if Sam hit my arm while walking past me. Grrr. Great job not hitting him back!”

Once the emotion has been acknowledged, the ground is set to then to be curious “I wonder why he did that. Did he mean to hit you, or was it an accident? I wonder how we can tell him that it hurts when he swings his arms, even if he didn’t mean to hit you.”

For many kids, the language of emotions is a foreign one, yet understanding one’s emotions allows one to then process them and choose to act appropriately rather than react in anger or frustration.

I am no longer seeing children in my private practice, but am happy to support caregivers in their parenting journey. Contact me at Dramrit.sg@gmail.com