Catch them being good!
When parents are clearly in the market for a quick fix, the first piece of advice that comes to my mind is “catch them being good”. It works in many situations.
Teenager not putting his socks in the laundry basket? The one time the sock lands within spitting distance of the laundry pile you make a big deal of this and say with over the top enthusiasm otherwise reserved for when junior brings home a nobel prize : “I love it when you put the socks in the basket.” No guilt trip, no long lecture, and no naggy mummy. Just catching him being good.
Can’t get the a younger child to stop lying? The one time she accidentally tells you the truth about the missing cookies, you gush enthusiastically about how proud you are that she could tell you the truth.
I recently saw a wee boy with ADHD who was developed an enjoyable habit of hitting his two year old sister over the head whenever she interfered with his toys. Mum was at her wit’s end, worried about the physical and emotional trauma he was inflicting on the little girl. The intervention was - you guessed it - to catch him being good. First the mum praised him every time he came close to the little boy and didn’t hit, and then she moved on to praising him for resisting the urge to hit when she messed up his painting, or knocked over his lego tower. The praise was accompanied by stickers with a ‘Mindcraft’’ theme, or just two kisses delivered enthusiastically on the belly. While we worked also to teach him better impulse control and some emotion regulation, this simple intervention worked a charm. Most importantly perhaps, it reminded mum to focus on the positive behaviors as much as the negative, and because mum was paying attention to when he was good, the little boy stopped seeming as much of an all round “problem child”.
While this may seem simplistic, there are few other interventions that have as much solid science behind them. The scientific name for catching them being good? Differential reinforcement of Other Behavior, otherwise known as a ‘’DRO’’. From the behavioral tradition of B.F Skinner and J.B Watson, this intervention has been studied and restudied amongst rats, pigeons, dolphins, and many humans. The principle applies consistently in all cases. If you want to change a behavior, reward an alternative behavior that is different, or incompatible with the one you want to see gone. In our case, not hitting is an alternative that is incompatible with not hitting. While I’ve had many parents tell me of the large monetary incentives they’ve ‘’HAD’’ to offer, a reinforcement does not have to be big. With an affectionate four or five year old, two enthusiastic kisses may be reward enough. With a rambunctious boy, the reward may be mummy doing the funny walk.
Teenagers are no doubt harder, but not impossible to train in this way. The teen years are all about identity and self-concept, so the reward may be simply saying something that appeals to how they’d like to see themselves. E.g. “How mature of you to think of running the dishwasher after you and your friends made brownies.”
Never mind if they left crumbs all over the floor, or left the bench a mess in the proess!
Like teaching a pet dog to shake hands, its about slowly shaping the desired behavior by rewarding closer and closer proximations to it.
(In case you don’t know how to train a dog, you initially offer a treat anytime he raises his paw, even if he does this unintentionally, or for no apparent reason. Once you can get him to raise his paw for a treat, you start providing the treat when he allows you to hold it. When he does that consistently, he gets the treat for putting his paw in your hands himself and so on.)
While this is not going to solve all your problems, give it a go. For example, the next time your husband remembers to lift the toilet seat, show him a little cleavage or blow him a kiss. See if you can’t get him to finish the taxes or finally book that holiday!